SOMETHING TO HANG YOUR HAT ON-THE PARENT TESTS
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You're not ready to be a parent unless you can pass the following tests:
Mess test -- Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in a wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy test -- Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake the little ones at night).
Grocery store test -- Borrow one or two small goats and take them grocery shopping with you. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing test -- Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding test -- Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Tie jug to ceiling fan blade. Turn fan on. Try to insert spoonfuls of oatmeal into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. When finished, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night test -- Fill a small cloth bag with about 10 pounds of sand. Soak the bag in warm water. At 8pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4am. Set alarm for 5am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical test -- (women) Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
Physical test -- (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest grocery store and do the same. On the way home purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final assignment: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
And that's something you can hang your hat on. |
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7/23/08 - SOMETHING TO HANG YOUR HAT ON-EVERYTHING COUNTS
by Steve Goodier
Early 20th Century African-American poet Countee Cullen spent the summer of his eighth year in Baltimore, Maryland. Shortly after he arrived he noticed a little white boy staring at him. Countee smiled, but the little boy did not smile back. Instead, he stuck out his tongue and called him a hurtful, racial slur.
Cullen later wrote a poem that included his recollection of the summer when he was eight. In it, he says this: >>Read more...
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7/22/08 - SOMETHING TO HANG YOUR HAT ON-THE FUNERAL
(submitted by Saundra Crawford-thanks!)
One day all the employees reached the office and they saw a big sign on the door on which was written:
Yesterday, the person who has been hindering your growth in this company passed away. We invite you to join the funeral in the room that has been prepared in the gym.
In the beginning, they all got sad for the death of one of their colleagues, but after a while they started getting curious to know who...>>Read more...
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7/21/08 - SOMETHING TO HANG YOUR HAT ON-ASSUME THE POSITIVE
Indra Nooyi -- PepsiCo's CEO, listed in Time's Top 100 influentials around the globe -- was recently asked by Fortune magazine: What was the best advice you ever got? She had a great response:
My father was an absolutely wonderful human being. From him I learned to always assume positive intent. Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different. When you assume negative...>>Read more...
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7/18/08 SOMETHING TO HANG YOUR HAT ON-BOUND TO FORGIVE
Writer Norman Cousins said that life is an adventure in forgiveness. I think Fr. Lawrence Martin Jenco would agree. In 1984, Fr. Jenco traveled to Beirut, dedicated to help the poorest of the poor. On January 8, 1985, he was kidnapped by Shiite Muslim extremists and held hostage for 564 days. He endured imprisonment, beatings, illness and heartbreaking periods of sorrow and loneliness. Several years after his release, he wrote a book...Read More>>
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7/17/08 - SOMETHING TO HANG YOUR HAT ON-LIVING IN THE SAME BOX
by Steve Goodier
As we get ready for the latest installment of the Summer Olympics, I'm reminded of a story that is worth retelling.
It is 1936. American Jesse Owens seems sure to win the long-jump competition in the Olympic games. The previous year he had jumped 26 feet, 8 1/4 inches - a record that will stand for 25 years.
As he walks to the long-jump pit, however, Owens sees a tall, blue-eyed, blond German taking practice jumps in the...>>Read more...
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7/16/08 - SOMETHING TO HANG YOUR HAT ON-GETTING IT RIGHT
by Steve Goodier
A young boy was sitting in the back seat of the car eating an apple. He poked his father in the front seat and asked, "Daddy, why does my apple turn brown?" His father answered, "When the skin is removed from the apple, air reaches the flesh of the apple and causes oxidation. This changes the apple's molecular structure and results in a brownish color.
After a long pause, a small voice from the back seat asked,...>>Read more...
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7/15/08 - SOMETHING TO HANG YOUR HAT ON-LEWIS W. NAPPER?S "BILL OF NO RIGHTS"
From Snopes.com: The famed "Bill of No Rights" was written in 1993 by Lewis Napper, a self-described amateur philosopher from Mississippi who ran for a U.S. Senate seat in 2000 as a Libertarian. The "Bill" resonates with folks because it addresses a number of issues that have often led many of us to shake our heads in disbelief. This Bill of Rights parody strikes straight at the heart of the sense of entitlement so often displayed by those who feel the world owes them a...>>Read more...
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7/14/08 - SOMETHING TO HANG YOUR HAT ON-THE FORREST GUMP GUIDE TO BEING A SUCCES
From OnMakingMoney.com
Who taught Elvis how to dance, received the Congressional Medal of Honor, got Nixon impeached, became the world ping-pong champion, built a national shrimping empire, and fathered Haley Joel Osment? One man: Forrest Gump. Let’s listen to what he has to say, and translate his Gumpisms into advice that, if followed, will make you a much more successful moneymaker:
"And cause I was a gazillionaire, and I liked doin it so much, I...>>Read more...
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SOMETHING TO HANG YOUR HAT ON-A MONSTER TO HUG 7/3/08
One couple spent a holiday driving in the mountains. "Every time you race around one of those narrow curves," exclaimed the wife, "I just get terrified." "Then do what I do," suggested her husband. "Close your eyes!" We are all afraid at times, but closing our eyes may not be the best way through fear. I've found it better to open my eyes and try to experience those fears. Read More>>
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SOMETHING TO HANG YOUR HAT ON-YELLOW ROSES 7/2/08
I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of 57 years was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories. He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off and look for something special. I knew what he was up to. I'd always spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands. He knew I loved yellow roses. Read more>>
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